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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/writing/abortion-trafficking-is-the-new-satanic-panic</loc>
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    <lastmod>2024-06-11</lastmod>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/writing/ultimatum-queer-love-understanding-lgbtq-domestic-violence</loc>
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    <lastmod>2024-04-30</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Writing - Ultimatum Queer Love: Understanding Queer DV</image:title>
      <image:caption>FYI this piece contains spoilers for season two of the Ultimatum: Queer Love</image:caption>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/writing/the-language-we-use</loc>
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    <lastmod>2024-04-30</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Writing - People Who Cause Harm - Make it stand out</image:title>
      <image:caption>Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/writing/centered-self-accounability</loc>
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    <lastmod>2024-04-30</lastmod>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5e5db922de02263658989e89/1618849942057-MSADJ44G5ZV3WB3A1AIG/0-1000+Blue+Brick.png</image:loc>
      <image:title>Writing - Centered Self-Accounability - Centered Self- Accountability</image:title>
      <image:caption>Centered self-accountability requires getting to that grounded, rooted and balanced place from which to make observations about what you did so you can make decisions about what you will do in response to the situation, what you will take responsibility for and how.  It’s about asking yourself these questions: What happened? What was going on for me at the time? What am I going to do about it? We all want so badly to do it perfectly, to be people who will never mess up so that we would never have to be the ones who were wrong, we want people to apologize to us but we often struggle in being the ones who need to apologize.  Doing the work of accountability is hard, it can be uncomfortable and scary to do the work of looking at yourself.  To avoid this work people want to figure out how they can be so perfect that they’ll never have to mess up and be the ones who have to apologize.  They want the magic equation of accountability, where if they are always doing the “right” thing they will never have to be accountable. Perfectionism is a trap, overly focusing on perfection does not allow us do the grounded work of looking at our own actions and behaviors and figuring out what we did, was it aligned with our values and if not, what we are going to do about it.  We don’t need perfection, we need humility, practice and skills. Centered accountability is more than just “being wrong” and apologizing for it, it’s also proactively doing our work, it’s the building blocks to connection with others, to joy and excitement, to building equitable relationships and to having the skills where violence and abuse are obsolete and where we all have built the conditions to support loving equitable relationships and communities. Zero to 1000 When building our skills towards centered accountability it can sometimes help to start with what accountability isn’t. Think about a scale from zero to 10.  That scale is all of the ways, when you are grounded and clear, that accountability is possible and likely.  First is what we will call “Zero” being at your zero is when you are taking zero responsibility for your actions and their impact.  This can sound like “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” “that has nothing to do with me,” “ you’re blowing things out of proportion.”  “Zero” is all of the ways that we cannot or will not take responsibility for our actions and behaviors. This is what most people think of when they think of not being accountable. Next we have “1,000.” Remembering that our scale is 0-10, being at your 1,000 is taking far more than your fair share of responsibility. It’s going above and beyond what is reasonable or even possible for you to be responsible for, it’s taking 1000% of the responsibility. Being at “1,000” is another way of avoiding responsibility.  It involves an overexaggeration of your role and it’s impact.  Being at your “1,000” often looks like, “Oh my god, I’m so soooo sorry.  You must haaaate me, I’m a terrible person. I can’t believe I was late again. You hate me don’t you? Of course you hate me, I’m the worst.”  This is not accountability. The “1,000” can be deceptive because it is filled with words like “I’m sorry” and “It’s all my fault” but without a grounded and proportional sense of your actions and their impact.   When our loved ones say things like “I’m a terrible person, you must hate me” especially for something as common as being late or not doing the dishes, it is natural to respond by comforting them, by relieving them of the guilt of “being a terrible person.”  What the “1,000” does is keep the focus on the person doing the harm.  It’s a way to keep the focus on you and not the impact of your actions.  Rarely do we live in just the “zero” or just the “1,000.” It’s common for people to jump back and forth between the two.; between shame, guilt and denial.  Finding Your Six Returning to the 0-10 scale, we call this processes of grounded, personal accountability, finding your six. The number 6 is not arbitrary. If 10 is the most possible effort you can put in the six reminds us to be humbled and right-sized about where we are and what is possible. It’s to remind us that perfection is not the goal or even a possibility. We do this to honor our imperfections, knowing that the perfect 10 is unlikely and even desirable.  Centered accountability is not defending yourself or taking on more than your share of responsibility. Accountability means figuring out what you did, why you did it, and what you are going to do about it. Finding people who can support you to “find your 6” and can support you in holding yourself accountable to your values is an essential part of centered accountability. Some people who are close to you might be very loving and supportive towards you but won’t necessarily help you find your honest truth in a situation. It is tricky because often your friends can actually keep you bouncing from your “0” to your “1000” rather than helping you take responsibility for your part in the situation. Friends may hear you at your “1000” and want to save you from what they see as self-blame and self-deprecation by releasing you from all responsibility, thereby bringing you back to your “0.” It’s rare that a friend will say, “You know, you’re not a terrible person, but you do have a pattern of doing [that thing] and you might want to look at it.” It is helpful to have people in your life who are willing to challenge you, people who can help you identify when to let things go, and people who will be proud of you for doing something hard. Having many support people can be helpful because different people will bring different types of support. A broad support system can help counteract the myth that just one person should be able to do it all.</image:caption>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/writing/accountabilityfaq</loc>
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    <lastmod>2021-02-09</lastmod>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/writing/tag/Domestic+Violence</loc>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/writing/tag/self-accountability</loc>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/writing/tag/reality+TV</loc>
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    <lastmod>2025-12-05</lastmod>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/survivors-for-justice-reform-december</loc>
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    <lastmod>2025-12-05</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Events - Survivors for Liberation December Meeting: Navigating Grief</image:title>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/grief-as-repair</loc>
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    <lastmod>2025-10-06</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Events - Grief as Repair - Make it stand out</image:title>
      <image:caption>Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/survivors-for-justice-reform-launch-meeting-k8ges</loc>
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    <priority>0.5</priority>
    <lastmod>2025-09-17</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Events - Survivors for Liberation Civil Education 101 - Make it stand out</image:title>
      <image:caption>Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/survivors-for-justice-reform-launch-meeting</loc>
    <changefreq>monthly</changefreq>
    <priority>0.5</priority>
    <lastmod>2025-01-27</lastmod>
    <image:image>
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      <image:title>Events - Survivors for Liberation Launch Meeting - Make it stand out</image:title>
      <image:caption>Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/zrkrkg38mq8dkarwfiwjb3rv5j13or</loc>
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    <lastmod>2025-01-28</lastmod>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5e5db922de02263658989e89/8fd83247-46b1-45e8-8987-49cbb18e67cd/TJ+and+IPV+Eventbrite+Banner%282%29.png</image:loc>
      <image:title>Events - Transformative Justice and Intimate Partner Violence Workshop - Make it stand out</image:title>
      <image:caption>Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
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  <url>
    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/transformation-is-possible-community-care-for-people-who-are-abusive</loc>
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    <priority>0.5</priority>
    <lastmod>2023-07-13</lastmod>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5e5db922de02263658989e89/6a95469d-39fd-43c6-a212-496d717c3295/Transformation+is+Possible+Event.png</image:loc>
      <image:title>Events - Transformation  is Possible: Community Care for People Who Are Abusive - Join members of the Community Responses to Domestic Violence Work Group to learn about our work building community-based, non-criminalizing, support for people who have been abusive in an intimate partnership.</image:title>
      <image:caption>Tuesday July 18, 2023 4:00-5:30pm Pacific Time Read a copy of the Transformation is Possible report here. This virtual event will be held on zoom webinar. ASL interpretation and live captioning provided. For additional access requests contact Shannon@accountablecommunities.com</image:caption>
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  <url>
    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/abolish-mandatory-reporting-and-family-policing</loc>
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    <lastmod>2023-07-01</lastmod>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5e5db922de02263658989e89/8463305a-8f8b-47b4-bdf9-574c1178e808/Tia+Ali+illustrations.png</image:loc>
      <image:title>Events - Abolish Mandatory Reporting and Family Policing - Abolish Mandatory Reporting and Family Policing</image:title>
      <image:caption>How do movements for abolition of mandatory reporting and family policing intersect with larger movements for abolition of the criminal legal system? In this conversation, Erin Miles Cloud (Movement for Family Power), Jasmine Wali (JMac for Families) and Shannon Perez-Darby (Mandatory Reporting is Not Neutral Project) will discuss the history of and harms associated with mandatory reporting; its role in policing Black, brown, and indigenous families; and how together we can abolish mandatory reporting while building strong, safe,  and connected communities.</image:caption>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/reports</loc>
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    <lastmod>2022-09-08</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Events - Reports are Not Support: Mandatory Reporting Harm Reduction - Make it stand out</image:title>
      <image:caption>Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/mandatory-reporting-abolition-and-trans-and-disability-justice</loc>
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    <lastmod>2023-07-01</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Events - Mandatory Reporting, Abolition, and Trans and Disability Justice</image:title>
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  <url>
    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/divest-invest</loc>
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    <lastmod>2021-09-09</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Events - Divest! Invest? - Make it stand out</image:title>
      <image:caption>Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
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  <url>
    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/sexual-violence-prevention-during-the-covid-19-pandemic-adapting-in-an-ever-changing-landscape</loc>
    <changefreq>monthly</changefreq>
    <priority>0.5</priority>
    <lastmod>2021-04-01</lastmod>
    <image:image>
      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5e5db922de02263658989e89/1617306345159-FOMNRCTX91BQ1RJFLKMJ/Screenshot_20210401-121938_Chrome.jpg</image:loc>
      <image:title>Events - Sexual Violence Prevention During the COVID-19 Pandemic: Adapting in an Ever-Changing Landscape - Sexual Violence Prevention During the COVID-19 Pandemic: Adapting in an Ever-Changing Landscape</image:title>
      <image:caption>Join PreventConnect and the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, Shannon Perez-Darby and Emily Austin for a conversation about mandatory reporting and handing disclosures in a trauma-informed way that replicates the least harm possible. Sexual violence preventionists often face participants and youth disclosing their own experiences with violence in prevention spaces. Responding in a trauma-informed way is essential, and doing so in online and remote environments can pose additional challenges. It’s also critical for preventionists to understand both their roles as mandated reporters of youth violence and/or responsible employees of college and university students, and how these laws and policies have a disproportionate harmful impact on marginalized communities. This web conference is part of a series with the National Sexual Violence Resource Center and Prevent Connect “Sexual Violence Prevention During the COVID-19 Pandemic: Adapting in an Ever-Changing Landscape.” Registration is currently full but you can sign up for the waitlist below and the session will be posted on YouTube after it’s done.</image:caption>
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  <url>
    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/celebration-of-change</loc>
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    <lastmod>2021-03-31</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Events - Celebration of Change</image:title>
      <image:caption>I’m excited to be emceeing the Coalition Ending Gender-based Violence’s annual fundraising event Celebration of Change. On April 29, 2021, we will gather to (virtually) spend time together, celebrate our community and a shared vision of a future without gender based violence. The fun will start at 5:00 PM, when guests will enter a virtual reception and welcome orientation. We’ll engage in some facilitated social networking to meet friends and allies in the community. Then, at 6:00 PM, we’ll transition to the main program for a fabulous selection of performances from queer POC artists. We'll hear from leaders and allies of the Coalition and from the front lines working to end gender based violence in our region. Keynote speaker—Abigail Echo-Hawk of the Urban Indian Health Institute—is not to be missed!</image:caption>
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  <url>
    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/not-neutral-exploring-the-intersections-of-mandatory-reporting-and-domestic-violence</loc>
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    <lastmod>2021-02-25</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Events - Not Neutral: Exploring the Intersections of Mandatory Reporting and Domestic Violence</image:title>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/We-had-no-rules-a-reading</loc>
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    <lastmod>2021-01-21</lastmod>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/self-accountability-movement-building</loc>
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    <lastmod>2021-01-16</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Events - Abolitionist Toolbox series: Self-Accountability and Movement Building</image:title>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/events/mandatory-reporting</loc>
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    <lastmod>2021-01-16</lastmod>
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    <lastmod>2025-10-17</lastmod>
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    <loc>https://accountablecommunities.com/about</loc>
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    <lastmod>2025-09-02</lastmod>
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      <image:title>About</image:title>
      <image:caption>A founding member of the Accountable Communities Consortium and co-editor of the anthology, How to End Family Policing: From Outrage to Action (Haymarket, 2025), Shannon Perez-Darby is a queer, mixed Latina, anti-violence advocate, author, activist, and consultant working to create the conditions to support loving, equitable relationships and communities. With over 20 years of experience Shannon Perez-Darby centers queer and trans communities of color while working to address issues of domestic and sexual violence, accountability, family policing and prison abolition.</image:caption>
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    <lastmod>2023-11-08</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Work with Us - Make it stand out</image:title>
      <image:caption>Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
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      <image:caption>Image by Laura Chow Reeve of Radical Roadmaps</image:caption>
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      <image:caption>Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
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      <image:loc>https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5e5db922de02263658989e89/b84405a9-fd33-485f-a94a-a55fec7a7da9/shannon%2Band%2Bjaime.png</image:loc>
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    <lastmod>2025-12-17</lastmod>
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    <lastmod>2020-07-17</lastmod>
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      <image:caption>Trans-Kin is a collection of stories from significant others, family members, friends and allies of transgender persons (SOFFAs). Powerful, thought-provoking and enlightening, this collection provides for the head and the heart of anyone who has ever loved a transgender person. Trans-Kin is also an essential read for allies of the transgender community and anyone who wishes to become one. Article: “Hey I Thought You Were Gay:” On Supporting Our Loved Ones Without Giving Up Ourselves by Shannon Perez-Darby</image:caption>
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    <lastmod>2020-08-25</lastmod>
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      <image:title>Publications, Media and Collaborations - Learning Good Consent - Cindy Crabb provides a DIY tour of the promise and perils of sexual relationships in Learning Good Consent. Building ethical relationships is one of the most important things we can do, but sex, consent, abuse, and support can get complicated. This collection is an indispensable guide to both preventing sexual violence and helping its survivors to heal. Includes a foreword by Kiyomi Fujikawa and Jenna Peters-Golden.</image:title>
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    <lastmod>2023-11-09</lastmod>
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      <image:caption>The Revolution Starts at Home is as urgently needed today as when it was first published. This watershed collection breaks the dangerous silence surrounding the “secret” of intimate violence within social justice circles. Just as importantly, it provides practical strategies for dealing with abuse and creating safety without relying on the coercive power of the state. It offers life-saving alternatives for survivors, while building a movement where no one is left behind. Article- The Secret Joy of Accountability: Self-accountability as a building block for change by Shannon Perez-Darby</image:caption>
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    <lastmod>2020-05-20</lastmod>
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      <image:caption>It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
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      <image:title>Portfolio 1 - Project Four - Make it stand out.</image:title>
      <image:caption>It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
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      <image:title>Portfolio 1 - Project Four - Make it stand out.</image:title>
      <image:caption>It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.</image:caption>
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